Hello there!

Welcome to The Dream Archive. I write all kinds of things and catalog them here. I hope you enjoy.

Advice from Aarockmoth the Ancient One

      Dear Ancient One,

      I've been reading your advice column for months now, and I write to you needing some serious help! I've been with my girlfriend for over two years, and I've run into a little snag! At first, I thought I could accept her wholly and totally, but as of late, something has been getting to me: her snoring. It didn't used to bother me, but lately I've been losing sleep. Do I tell her that her snoring is causing me trouble? Do I seek to remedy the solution without letting her know and making her feel bad? Or do I try to learn to live with it? Please Aarockmoth, lend me some old world advice!


Sleepless in Bed


      Salutations Sleepless,

      I, the Ancient One, have seen this sort of problem many a time in my long and horrid existence. Many a good man has been torn asunder from this nightly prison, and turned from the good and righteous path to one of insanity and ruin. You are right to seek my wisdom on this matter. Stronger and smarter men than you have tried to survive this ordeal without council, and the results were disastrous, to say the least. 

      First and foremost, under no circumstances should you takes matters into your own hands without consulting and gaining the consent of your partner. In doing this, you would break a sacred trust between the two of you, which could affect your relationship, and cause your partner to seek revenge against you, in the form of carving open your chest cavity and removing both of your lungs. I have seen this before, and while it may be interesting, in an anatomical sense, it will most certainly be unpleasant for you. 

      Second, complacency is the door through which nightmares slip their talons. You may trick yourself into believing that you can "live with it" for a time, racking up more and more nights of incomplete sleep cycles, but this will have dire consequences. Of course, you will be much more susceptible to Dream Wraiths, which I've gone on about at length in other posts, but there is another common repercussion: violent and sudden maiming. I won't go into the details for the sake of some of our younger readers (and mainly because my editor would have my head, which he has been trying to remove from my corpse-like carcass for some time in an attempt to finally rid the world of my affront to his god), but suffice to say you would be missing large chunks of flesh, bone, and possibly entire limbs in under a week.

      Which leads me to the real heart of what I have to say, my advice which you have sought out. Be honest with your female companion. Tell her that while you may love her with the intensity with which a basilisk loves to turn its prey into stone before ingesting them, you are suffering under her nasal assaults in the night. Be gentle, but not so gentle as to say, "I am fine with continuing to allow you to test a new psychological form of torture on me, you hellworm." Be firm, but not so firm that you are screaming, "IF I HEAR THE SOUND OF YOUR VIBRATING RESPIRATORY STRUCTURES FOR ONE MORE MOMENT, I WILL UNLEASH THE FURY OF MY MORTAL FRAME UPON YOU, AND BE DAMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY WITH GLEE, FOR I WILL BE FREE OF YOU AND YOUR CONSTANT OBSTRUCTED AIR MOVEMENTS," into your lovely's face. The trick here is balance. Something like, "Love-mate. Even though I am still completely enamored with your form and speech patterns, it pains me to say that you seemed to have developed a possible first symptom of obstructive sleep apnea. It may be true that this malfunction in your frail human husk has brought me some discomfort during my attempts to rest and recuperate in our bed chambers, but I am also concerned for your well being." Your maiden should find this response sweet and pleasing, and you will both be on the road to recovering whatever emotions you both lost in this exchange. 

      I would also strongly recommend mixing a teaspoon of jasmine into her meal each morning for six days, and six days only after the confrontation, as this will help banish any possible Flesh Bats that might have taken residence within her airways. If she refuses to eat or even look at cooked eggs, they have fully nested, and you will need to contact a specialist to clear her of her infestation. 

Great Glutes Be Proud

Roll the Windows Down