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Cursed Fanfiction #1

Shrek sat alone in his swamp house. It was quiet since Fiona was away visiting her family with the kids. He sighed and stared out the window. Donkey and Dragon were off dealing with their children as well. It could get very lonely in the swamp, sometimes.

     Just then, there was a knock at the door.

     “Now, who could that be,” Shrek mumbled, getting up from the table. He tried to spy through one of the cracks in the door, but all he could see was shockingly white hair. Puzzled, he called through the door, “Who is it?”

     “Hey brother!” came the reply. “I heard you were home while the wife and kids were away, and figured I’d swing by to give you some company!”

     A huge smile spread across Shrek’s face as he opened the door. Standing there was one of his oldest friends, Guy Fieri.

     “Guy!” Shrek exclaimed, pulling him in for a hug. “I thought you’d never have any time to get away, what with being the Mayor of Flavortown and all!”

     Guy slapped Shrek on the back and laughed. “I can always find time to get away for you bud! Ye-ow!”

     Shrek laughed at one of Guy’s many strange catchphrases. He ushered his friend inside and poured him a glass of filtered swamp water. Guy thanked him and took a long sip. He looked Shrek up and down before placing his glass on the table.

     “You look good Shrek,” he said with a nod. “Been working out?”

     Shrek blushed. “Aw, come on Guy,” he said patting his tummy. “I’ve definitely put on some weight since the kids came along.”

     “No I’m serious,” Guy said, walking over to him. “You haven’t looked this buff since college.”

     Shrek turned away. “I… I don’t want to talk about those times, Guy. I’m married now.”

     Guy placed his hands on Shrek’s shoulder and began to knead them. “Whoa whoa, big guy, slow down. What if we just gave each other a BACKRUB, just like old times?”

     Shrek thought about getting a BACKRUB, and GOT 30% through pulling OFF ONE TEE, before pulling away. “We can’t do this,” he said sadly.

     “I still love you Shr

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