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Goldilocks Was A Bitch

      I'm sure you've heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, but let me tell you somethin: You ain't. Heard it. The right way, I mean.  I'll tell ya what really happened. None of this, she was innocent bullshit, neither. That was all a fabrication, you see. Some morons thought it would be a great story for kids to learn a lesson from. Teachin em to be burglars, if you ask me. Anyway, I'm gonna tell ya the whole story. So siddown, shut up, and listen.

      And no eatin while I'm talkin. That's just rude.

      It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and I was plannin on spendin time with my family. We didn't get a lot of time together back then, cause I was working extra shifts at the Honey Bucket. It's hard to get work in the town we were in at the time, and the Honey Bucket accepted anyone with a pulse and a set of claws. Sure, you were collecting honey, but it was work, ya know? Can't argue against a paycheck. So anyway, we left the cave round three o'clock, goin to the movies. Country Bears was out and the kid wanted to see it. I don't recommend it.

      We stopped and got lunch and decided to head home for some relaxation. Plus the Kodiaks-Polars game was on and I had some money ridin on it. When we pulled up to the cave I noticed right away that something was wrong. I told the misses that I thought we'd been robbed. My first clue was that the door had been kicked in. That was my only clue at the time, actually, but it's a pretty strong clue. Scooby Doo would have to be blinder than Velma not to see it. I tried to keep the wife and kid in the car, just in case, but she got all friggin worked up, which got the kid upset, and there was no stoppin them at that point. I couldn't help thinking that if some wolf was in the house, it'd be better off fightin me than  my wife, but I left that comment to myself.

      Murderous wife aside, I made sure I went in first anyway. In the kitchen was one hell of a mess. Porridge everywhere, dishes smashed, it was a goddamn disaster. My wife started crying about the plates that had been passed down from her great aunt or somethin. I was more concerned with the break in, but there you go. I snuck into the living room, still weary, and saw that our furniture had been smashed to shit. The chairs were decimated. It hurt me, but not as much as my kid. He started bawlin on the spot. I had handcrafted those chairs with his help. It was a father/son thing we had together. Those memories were in pieces on the carpet.

      I noticed that the bedroom door was ajar. I crept in. Some 20 -somethin year old chick was sprawled on my kids bed. I had expected a wolf, that crazy fox down the street, a fuckin tornado, but not some human girl. All they usually did was get lost in the woods, not go around breaking and entering. I glanced around the room. My bed looked like a troupe of whores had their way in it, and my wife's looked the same. We were having a tough time with our marriage at that point, hence the separate beds and the kid in the same room. Guess that's not really relevant. Forget I said it.

      Were fine now, in that department by the way. Kid sleeps in the other room. Only one bed in ours. No marital problems, s'what I'm gettin at.

      So I snuck up on this sleeping little homewrecker, planning on ripping her to shreds with my bare hands, no pun intended. Suddenly she wakes up and starts screaming bloody murder, yelling for help. Can you believe that? Callin for help after trashin my house? I was in a fucking rage, excuse my French. I'd love to tell you that I ripped out her insides and fed my family her corpse, but she got away. Wily little... I took a few good swipes at her though, let out a good roar or two. She got out the front door just as my wife rounded the corner. I've never heard some of the insults that she yelled out the door that day. I don't even think some of them were in English.

      We filed the police report and got compensated for the damages, which was good because we took the money and ended up moving out of that crappy cave. We live in the deep woods just south of the 100 Acre Forest. My cousin Pooh comes to visit every once and a while, it's real nice. We ended up making a small business out of vegetables and honey, got a nice farmers market runnin.

      As for that girl, police never got back to us on  whether or not she got caught. I heard stories from time to time. Her and her brother got rescued from a witch by some lumberjack, she got locked in a tower, last thing I heard was she was taken away for murdering some poor old lady and her wolf husband. Go figure she was a purist like that. I hope she's rotting in a cell somewhere. I guess I'd have to thank her, in a way. Without her drug crazed romp of the cave, we might never have moved. The misses and I wouldn't have patched things up, god, I'd still be in that dead end job. Suppose everything worked out in the end, eh?

      Still, what a bitch.

The 'Morrow Watcher

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