In this modern day and age, it can be hard to find that one person that is really right for you. Meeting people is tough when you're constantly online, connections and friendships are hard to maintain when you're busy burning through anime on Crunchyroll, and more often than not, if you end up spending too much time with someone, you find out about their strange fetish.
Whether it's furries, vore, or just plain ol' butt stuff, everyone has a fetish, and you're never prepared to find out what someone else's is. But rest assured, there are some easy steps you can take to figure out if the potential mate you've selected has one of the more forbidden fetishes. Today, we'll be focusing on one of the stranger, and more potential relationship-ending fetishes: Golems.
"Golems?" You might be thinking. "I've never heard of that before! And people need them to... Well, you know." Oh, I know all too well, dear reader, and I wish I didn't. Golems are a bit of an old world kink brought over the proverbial perverted line into fetishdom. The simple fact is that fetishes are getting more and more complex everyday, and this was an inevitability. We should have known that one day, someone needed a clay homunculus to help in the bedroom. The best we can do now is try to help you figure out before that possibly fatal moment whether or not your partner is about to bind an unwilling soul into a pile of dirt and get freaky.
1) Lover of Jewish Folklore
The first clue is always the easiest. Does Dave never stop talking about Jewish Folklore? Is Susan constantly talking about the old stories she heard from her Rabbi? Bing bing bing! More often than not, this person is not so subtly telling you that they're so into Jewish tales that they are willing to create an abomination to help with their sexual gratification. Time to pack your bags and redownload Tinder, that late night trip back to their place for "coffee and talking" is not going to go the way you hope it is.
2) Clay Fingers
In the same way that you can 100% of the time tell if someone does coke by looking at their creepy fingernails, you can pretty much always tell a Golem lover by the excess amount of sediment under their cuticles. Noticing too much tan under those puppies? Someone has been knuckle deep in some clay recently, and probably not in art class. Unless your new date has the kind of earthy job that Mike Row would make a show about, it's time to change course before you seal the deal and potentially get bound into a suit of armor, Fullmetal Alchemist style.
3) "Been to Prague recently?"
This one is easy. If you're starting to get suspicious of your would-be grind partner, you can drop the casual line, "Been to Prague recently?" This is a reference to perhaps the most famous Golem tale, The Golem of Prague. If your date looks at you confused and lost, or have in fact been to Prague recently to visit family or see the sights, then wipe the sweat from your forehead. This one is A-OK! But if they look at you the same way that Jared Leto looked at anyone in the Suicide Squad movie other than Harely Quinn, you just caught them clay handed (see previous tip to understand and then laugh at this joke).
4) Obsessed with Statues and Playdoh
Have you been over your boy/girlfriend's place and seen statues? Do they have life sized depictions of men, women, or creatures adorning their halls? Maybe art depicting these things? Small busts scattered around their living room, or maybe on their desk? Have you heard them talk at length about The Terracotta Army? Like, talk about it waaaay too much? Like they know the name of the Emperor who had them made, the date they were found, ext? I might sound like a broken record at this point, but I think you get the picture.
5) You have seen the abomination
This one seems obvious, but it might not be. A lot of times we as humans can overlook the flaws of our fellow man. We can brush aside the casual incantation or soul ritual when you're in the middle of Stranger Things. How can you look away? It's such a good show. A true love letter to the 80s. I mean, a lot of the visuals are stunning, and the acting? Oh man, the acting is phenomenal, which is saying something. I mean, when is the last time you saw a child actor and thought it was a good part of the movie/show? Yeah, doesn't happen often. And when you're that wrapped up in such a good thing, who cares if your other is slapping sediments together and muttering in Yiddish. So what if a monolith lumbers past you, groaning with the weight of an unwanted existence? You're wrapped up in such a compelling and dark storyline that's accessible to a multitude of ages! Well, as much as it pains me to say this, you might just have to get your own subscription to Netflix and watch that seat gripping, action packed show in the comfort of your own home because you're letting that compelling and honestly Oscar worthy work of art sidetrack you (and rightly so). But let's not forget that you won't be able to finish it if you're the first victim of a fresh monstrosity. Open your eyes to the world around you, and get to your home before that Golem breaks your neck with it's powerful fingers.